Have you ever been on the precipice of something big in your life but you just couldn’t put your finger on what it was? Like, you knew that your life was going to change (or needed to change) and that it was just beyond your reach and hiding behind a veil that was clouding your vision? You can feel it, but that’s about it. Sometimes you can feel it deep in your bones and sometimes you don’t even know why.
Yeah, that’s been me for the last few months. And I think I just lifted the veil enough to talk about it.
I’ve really been struggling over the last few months to find clarity in my life. I knew I was over-the-top happy about how some things in my life, but I also knew that I was unhappy about other things – and those things kept sucking me down. I was letting it dilute my waves of happy. Years of stress and living inside a scarcity mindset was taking a toll on me. I was basically spiraling downward in that regard and I knew I had to put my feet firmly on the brakes. I decided I was tired of letting that aspect of my life have any control over the good things. I recognized feelings reminiscent of the worst times of my life creeping in. It wasn’t that I was forgetting about the good stuff… but more like I was really tired of the bad stuff. So I did what I have learned to do over the years: I initiated an emergency tactical pause in my life.
But I also did something new to me: Even though I struggled with the feelings, I recognized them for what they were and leaned into the discomfort. I ordered a shit-ton of self help books and started spending less time helping others with their problems and started focusing solely on my own.
That was the hardest shift of all. All I know is helping others. I’ve been doing it all my life. My parents always said I was the one who brought the strays home. (not that any of you are strays… it’s just the best way I can describe how I’ve always looked out for the little guys and put the needs of others high on my list of priorities.)
So one day (Sorry, but I can’t exactly tell you when that day was) I woke up and realized that the universe started conspiring FOR me instead of against me in small and unexpected ways. And then one day…BOOM! Big things started to happen and I wasn’t exactly sure why. And then one day I woke up and said… “holy schneikies! What just happened to me?”
I didn’t know where to start when it came to writing about it. I wanted to write, but I couldn’t quantify what what happening inside me. It was like I needed to allow myself the time to curl up on a cocoon and emerge in this new version of me before I could spread my wings and show you how I was learning how to fly.
And today is the first day I feel like I can even talk about it.
I think I figured out why. I can’t prove it. I can’t really even explain it. But this is my best guess:
Instead of questioning what I wanted or needed in my life, and instead of second-guessing if I was the right person to have, do or need such things – and second-guessing my abilities to reach all the goals I set for myself — I put it all out to the universe and released it.
Then an amazing thing happened: the universe found a way to loop it all back to me.
I’ll write in more detail in upcoming posts about things I can now pinpoint that worked, but for now I will summarize:
I started putting more time into self reflection (not easy for someone who cannot sit still) and dabbled in more self care doing things like meditation. My eye twitch isn’t completely gone, but it’s no longer constantly annoying me. I can feel the effects of this transition over the last few months that allowed me to start finding answers deep inside me to questions I didn’t even know I had.
Call it whatever you want: A midlife crisis. A breakdown. A breakthrough. Losing my mind. Luck.
Whatever it is, I’ll take it.
I decided I am going to call it my “metamorphosis” and let it go at that.