What happened to me yesterday was like a God breeze. It came when I least expected it, when it needed it the most, when I never knew I needed it to begin with.
While running errands and attending to appointments in Colorado Springs, we made an unplanned stop in Michael’s on a whim so Mariah (my daughter in law) could look at scrapbooking supplies. She bashfully asked if we could stop across the parking lot and just ‘pop in’ for a few minutes. I looked at our schedule and realized I had a few minutes to spare. I was sure it couldn’t hurt…Her budget is not any better than mine, so we would just be window shopping. She wanted to touch and feel the items that would eventually become a baby book.
I know how that is…to dream a dream (no matter how big or small) and hope that someday it will become a reality. If you can touch it in some tangible way, it gets that much closer to being real…
Now, you also have to know that my creative juices flow in the form of words, not crafts… but I have a deep need to find more creative outlets to help feed the creativity of the words in my writing. Writing has become the one thing that I can call mine. It doesn’t cost anything but my time and energy, so what little time or energy I find — I put it into writing.
The payoffs of telling my stories are great, even if no one ever reads what I write. It’s cathartic.
Now I am taking my writing more seriously and writing my book – with the intent of having as many people as possible reading it. I need all the creative outlets and help I can get.
I used to find joy in creating things outside of writing, but it has been so long that I can’t even remember the last craft or decorating project I did. Life has not allowed me the luxury of that time and space, but thanks to my new outlook on life and my recent epiphany moment I am starting to carve it out a little bit at a time. The odds of having a Michael’s at my disposal, plus the time to stop in without planning well in advance…felt surreal to me. Once inside, I felt like I was in an otherworldly place. It felt like I was in a life that I had left behind. But now I was looking at it in a way that said, “This is a life that can be yours again.” It was like I was touching it and getting a taste of it again.
I was in a perplexing situation while roaming through the store… SO many options and opportunities! I became overwhelmed with choices, ideas, and the logistics of how I was going to make it happen.
At the very least, I wanted to help Mariah find what she needs for her first baby book. With a granddaughter this cute, who can resist? (picture below…RSS readers, be sure to click “show graphics” for the cutest face you’ll probably ever see!)
Drake, in the meantime, is our little artist. He is our youngest son, otherwise known as “Uncle Drake” to Larraine. He was in the acrylic and oil painting section feeling the need to paint and draw. He found a wooden magnetic manikin, some canvases, paints and brushes. He collected his wares and came to me with pleading eyes.
I couldn’t help but see the glimmer of hope in his gaze that mirrored what was in my own heart.
The problem is, anything outside of our existing budget must be planned for well in advance. It takes at least a month or two of advance notice to accommodate such things. What he held in his hands were just not possible for me to purchase on the spot. He wasn’t asking for much. Just one brush, one 2-pack canvas, the manikin and four colors of paint. BUT, it was well over what I could possibly cover at that moment. I knew that I needed to purchase some food to go, as my day was already exhausting and I wasn’t going to get home until late. Do I contemplate making pancakes when I get home and not get fast food? Do I change where I got my food to someplace cheaper and split the cost? Do I tell him no or find a cheaper alternative? Do I tell him that he has to wait until next month for delayed gratification?
I took a deep breath and told him that I truly wanted to buy these things, that I wanted him to go home and paint to his heart’s content. But based on what he asked for, acknowledging that he was very conscientious about not asking for too much, it was not something I could do on the spot.
This simple sentence changed everything: I said, “Perhaps we can find a beginner set that was more economical and see how much it costs?”
What registered on his face was deflation. What I registered as deflation was interpreted as an unwillingness to find cheaper options. I felt emotion welling up inside me…mad at myself for not having the option to say “Sure, put it in the cart!” and mad at him for being so disappointed in hearing my suggestions and coming across with an undercurrent of entitlement, regardless of what little he originally asked for.
Still trying to salvage the issue, I knew I needed help finding an alternative. I pushed the button for assistance on that aisle and Drake wandered away with his reaction to keep to himself. The lady came over and I introduced myself like this:
“Hi there, thanks for your help. What you are looking at here (waving hands up and down the length of my body) is someone who has no creative experience or knowledge of the items on this aisle. I have a son who loves to paint and has expressed a desire to paint with oils. I, however, have a limited budget and need the most cost effective items to get him started. Can you help me?”
She pulled some items and options to include a multi-medium paper option instead of canvas. They were buy 1 get 1 free. She pulled a pack of oil colors that covered the rainbow, but in smaller portions. She pulled a pack of starter brushes and then showed me a smaller manikin that could fit in his pocket. All said, I could cut back on what I ordered for dinner to go and still get all these items.
I called out for Drake to come over and see what treasures we found for him. He was fighting back tears and keeping a strong face on in front of the stranger with the nametag on. I told him this nice lady had found some things that we could get for him, and here’s what we found…
He saw the items and said, “This isn’t beginner stuff. This is for real painters. I though you said I was just a beginner?”
Oh, son. NOW I see why you were so hurt! He thought that when I chose the word “beginner” referring to a starter set, that I was denouncing his painting abilities. I apologized to him on the spot and said “Drake, Mommy is so sorry that I wasn’t using the right word to describe what we needed to get for you. I know you aren’t a beginner. In fact, you are a very talented artist. I should have said ‘starter’ pack to get the items you need to get started.”
You should have seen that boy light up. Even though my words were not used maliciously, I still hurt him by using a word that deflated his belief in his abilities.
I learned a very valuable lesson, as did he. He learned to trust me in my desire to support his creative self, despite the lack of resources. He learned to trust me in the fact that I would never say something hurtful to him on purpose. I also learned that all the abilities in the world to creatively use words can go wrong and backfire in a flash with the use of just *one* wrong word in my mental thesaurus.
Today, Drake came to me with a torn-out piece of paper from his notebook. On it, he drew a pencil drawing of his manikin. He did an incredible job showing movement in a two-dimension picture. You can see how hard he deliberated in every detail of his picture. But, what he wrote beside it took my breath away and melted my heart. He wrote:
“Your the wind under my wings, your the juicy apple that fell from the tree. I can’t explain from my brain but my heart says it as clear as glass — I love you Mom.”
And this is when, as a Mom, I don’t dare correct him on his grammar or spelling. Because, sometimes, writing the wrong words means you are sharing exactly the right thing to say. And because, sometimes, we just can’t find the right words, but we can still show how much love in is our hearts.
I see a glimmer of a the next generation of a writer on the horizon. I know this in my heart, and this time I can touch it. This one is getting framed for all eternity. (update: The photo is now framed and doing the job it was meant to do. See photo and story update on Facebook by clicking here!)
Next up: We are getting that baby book done come hell or high water!
